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I was passionately cross at life. But
I wasn't irate enough to stop living it. Why? I have no fucking clue. And
it was absolutely mystifying to me why in heaven's name I was helping
someone continue her life who had no real desire to do so whatsoever. But
I've never really liked puzzles and all the fun and games.
When I put her in the basin of the tub and turned the faucet, I envisioned
all those drops of water shooting out like diamond bullets, all the tears of
rage I never cried, that I should have cried, but nobody and nothing to fire
them at. I wanted to take off all my clothes and get in that shower. Show
myself how insane I had become, once and for all, and have a witness, albeit
the most unreliable one I could possibly ever imagine finding.
Maybe as
those hard, wet bullets of diamond ice pelted my body, I would wake up. Or
maybe they would be so cold they would shock me and give me a cardiac
arrest. And my body would feel on the outside to someone else as cold as it
has felt to me on the inside. Could I ever wake up enough to warm up again
to live enough to enjoy actually being alive every now and then in this
cold, fucking world?
If you think for a second, that I gave a dirty rat's ass if Noelle
Alexandria found some old, decrepit naked man who happened to be a complete
intellectual burn-out naked with her in a shower, then you should get in the
cold water with me, and everyone else who is like me as soon as they build a
bathtub that holds the Pacific fucking Ocean!!! If you think for a split
second that I gave a flying fuck about being shocked into cardiac arrest by
that cold water for my sake or for hers should she live, you're right. I
should have liked to have died. Because maybe dying right there as she
regained consciousness would have been enough to wake her up.
But no. No,
I doubt that. Yeah, no fucking way. She's just like me. Really,
absolutely. It takes more than ice cold water to wake people like Noelle
Alexandria and me up, I mean really wake us and them in any way that means a
thing. And the ice cold body of a corpse of someone you know right up next
to you just brings more troubled sleep and more empty distractions to seek
out not to have to be filled with nightmares.|||
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